Y’all know I’m big on transparency–and I know it’s been a few weeks since my last blog post. The truth is y’all, going back to work, mommying two kids, being a wife, and being a hobbyist content creator is a lot to juggle.
I need good help.
One of the biggest asks for most mothers is help.
Help with the kids.
Help with bath time.
Help with dinner.
Help with running errands.
Help with doing chores.
And help is great.
But sometimes the help isn’t enough.
Help isn’t enough when you’re still stuck—stuck trying to figure out who you are.
The new one.
Because what most people don’t tell you is that motherhood changes you—and not just the moment you become a mother. But it changes you plenty of times over, season in and season out.
And most of the time, believe it or not, it has nothing to do with weight gain.
Most of the time it has to do with capacity.
Since becoming a mom of two, I am realizing that my capacity is very short. If it is not making my life and my routine with my girls more convenient and less time consuming, I could care less about how “helpful” something is or someone appears to be.
I’ll give you an example—a few weeks ago, I sent a text to my husband asking him to wake me up when he left work so I could put the food I made for dinner away. By the time I made dinner earlier that night, it was close to the girls’ and my husband’s bedtime (he works early mornings). Because the food was still hot, I couldn’t put it into the fridge right away or else it would spoil. I asked him purposely to wake me because 1) I didn’t want the food to sit out until I woke up the next morning, 2) I like the way I put away the food and clean the kitchen because I normally reset it for the next day which sets me up for success during my morning routine with the girls, and 3) I didn’t feel like doing another round of dishes by taking the food out of the pots I used to make them since the dishwasher was already running.
But my husband ignored me.
Instead of waking me up, he let me sleep—and he put the food in Tupperware…leaving the cooking pots and pans to be washed. While I know my husband meant well and definitely thought he was helping, he in fact only left more on my plate. And I had a bit of a ‘tude the next morning.
Communicating that the help you receive isn’t the right kind of help you’re looking for out loud can absolutely sound selfish.
But what if that is the point?
Most of motherhood—if not all of it—is selfless; it’s you showing up day and night for your children. And it’s relentless. And if you’re the mom of a newborn, you’re waking up all kinds of hours of the night and morning to nurse or feed a baby that may or may not go to sleep once their feed is over. Got another kid on top of that? You’ll find yourself being poked out of your good sleep that you just got into 5-minutes ago for some chips or some juice.
It is this endless cycle of choosing to be needed and fulfilling the need of you–no matter how big or small the ask is.
No one tells a child they are being selfish when they are asking their mother for a juicebox, while their mom is dealing with their younger siblings blowout.
Not a single person.
So, if said child is not selfish for asking exactly for what they want when they want it–even if it is during the most inconvenient time–--, why do we as women,–especially as mothers who care well for those children,–feel the need to silence and or limit the requirements of our asks?
Why do we put a muzzle on ourselves?
Why do we pause at the idea of asking for help–and going the extra step to ask specifically for what we need, and then communicating when what we asked for isn’t obliged?
Why do we feel the need to settle for less than what we asked for when–let’s be honest–if we don’t show up, if we don’t come ready, especially, if we don’t come ready and then some with the extra binky, extra blankies, extra diapers, extra clothes, extra snacks, extra juiceboxes, and extra spidey senses to know where our husbands left their missing wallet, NONE of anything ever gets done…let alone gets done well.
Who taught us that the standard of our ask was too much?
I think some of this suppression–especially when it comes to Christian women and mothers–has a lot to do with the aftereffects of the purity culture movement and improper teachings and/or bad theology of submission.
This is going to take a while, so stick with me here…
When I was growing up, a lot of what I was taught a woman of GOD should be was based on her living in the shadow of a man. I was pretty much told that my sole purpose in life was to marry and be a good wife in the home, and that my needs came second–which was very contrary to what I saw at home. I had a strong mama; she worked a full time job, and was very present in my life. During my parents' marriage, she was a good wife and did the best she could. Even after their divorce, my mom still showed up for my dad and took care of him. But her submission to my dad and her vow to be faithful to him didn’t obliterate her ability to choose herself.
My mother is the epitome of what healthy autonomy looks like in a marriage–and what happens when you value who GOD made you to be more than the “image” and institution of marriage.
Why do I say that?
Because contrary to what the church taught, my mother choosing to divorce my father was the best decision for my mother and her children; her choosing herself first over my dad is what I believe GOD used to teach my sister and me that our value never should be rooted in a relationship with a man. My dad was a great dad, but he lacked in the husband department a little bit towards the end of my parents’ marriage–and admitted so for the rest of his life. And not once did he disagree with my mother’s decision nor use the Bible to diminish the value of her decision.
However, purity culture often uses the scripture Ephesians 5:22 to lessen a woman’s right to decision making in her marriage. We’ve all heard the verse, “Wives submit to your husbands,” and we’ve all heard it preached in a way where a woman must obey and listen without any space for her to have a voice or to challenge what is being asked of her.
But can I test this theology and give you Bible?
If we actually read THE WHOLE chapter of Ephesians 5 and actually go to the verse before verse 22, the Bible actually says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
What a minute, Nic! Where’d you get that from?
The Bible.
You didn’t just make that up?
Nope, read the text.
The Word of GOD calls for both spouses to submit to each other. And if we take it a step further, verses 25-31 describe the gravity of a husband loving his wife as Christ loves the Church. The greatest thing Christ ever did for the Church was lay his life down for her. So, that means The LORD requires that husbands be willing to give up not just the lust of their flesh, but also be willing to give up their life for their wives.
THAT’S THE TEXT.
And if you ask me, that also means it’s not just on the wife to carry the home; it’s also on the husband to sacrifice for his home–to help out in the home.
Another area of scripture often taken out of context and often used to identify gender roles–especially during the purity culture moment–is
Proverbs 31: the “ideal” woman that a lot Christian men and preachers reference when they preach about finding a wife.
It is preached that the Proverbs 31 woman is a homemaker, that she is lovely and beautiful, and that her husband takes delight in her. But what is not preached and oftentimes missed is that the Proverbs 31 woman was also a businesswoman. She looked over a field and bought it (v.16)–which means she was good with money. The text also says that her husband finds full confidence in her and consults her with decision making (v.11)–which means that he trusted her judgement when it came to the affairs of the home.
The Proverbs 31 woman wasn’t someone’s trophy wife; she was a capable leader of her home. No, she wasn’t the sole leader. No, she wasn’t the priest of her home, but she too was on the throne alongside her husband.
And I believe that GOD was intentional in His word about the role of a woman–especially in Proverbs 31–because He wanted to make it clear that being a woman isn’t just about being someone’s pretty wife. GOD intended for the weight of a household to be equal.
Does that mean it will always be 50-50? No; that’s not ever how life is going to go. But the responsibility of the weight should always be 50-50.
Why?
Because no one person should nor can they do it on their own. That’s why I believe GOD is so specific about the importance of community throughout scripture, why He made Eve, why the story of Ruth is more than just about Boaz, but also about Ruth choosing to stay with her widowed mother-in-law Naomi. It’s why Jesus walking with the 12, but choosing to closely commune with the three is so important. Life is not meant to be lived alone; we need help.
All of us–women, too.
And women asking for help, and being specific about their asks–and their capacity–is not just a requirement for us to maintain our peace and remain sane. It is also a requirement if we desire to love others well and desire to be loved well in return.
How can you expect to be loved well if you do not show someone how you need to be loved?
My mom used to say to me all the time growing up, “You teach people how to treat you.” And that’s exactly what we are doing when we become more specific about the help we actually need. When we get specific, we teach others how they can adequately and accurately show up for us.
We also protect our cup.
You ever heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup?”
Well, it’s true.
We have this purified water jug in our home that filters our tap water and we use it often. It fills not just our drinking cups, but we also use it for our seltzer water machine and our espresso machine. It’s safe to say the filtered water in this 100-plus ounce jug gets used up pretty quickly. Every now and again, the last person to use the jug won’t fill it back up like they’re supposed to for whatever reason. And more often than not, I've found myself trying to quench my thirst with a cup in hand, reaching for the jug, all for it to be empty. I’ve even poured from it hoping something would come out, and it never does…not until I replenish the container and wait for the water to be filtered through, and then, be made available, can I then meet the need of my thirst.
It is the same for us.
And I’m not saying we’re always going to get it right.
I’m not saying asking for help will always be easy.
But what I am saying is to ask–and to ask specifically for what you need.
Be bold in your ask.
Be confidentce in your ask.
And do not pour from your cup unless you have first been replenished.
Always praying GOD’s love & light your way,
xo, Nic.
